More than saying I love you—part 2

Last week I reviewed the book, “More than saying I love you” by Andrea Goodman Weiner.  It’s a book about how to teach your child self-love.  I’ve explained what self-love is and why it’s important to teach your child (and yourself, too) that.  This week, I’m going to share two of the activities provided in the book.

The first one is called “Youer than You” statements.  It’s an alternative way to praise and/or provide feedback to your child.  Young children see the world through their parents’ eyes.  They take in the parents’ comments/opinions as their own and use that to figure out who they are.  We often hear parents or teachers say “I like how you draw that picture”, “I like how you help Johnny pick up all his toys” or “I’m so proud of you, getting an A in the test”.  This kind of statements puts the emphases on the adult who says it and encourages the child to seek outside approval from the authority.  By using “you” statement, you will put the verbal verification back to the child.  For example, when your child asks if you like her painting (My girls used to ask me this question about once a week), instead of saying, “I like it”, you can ask her “do YOU like it?”  After she says “yes”, you can say, “Great, because YOU liking it is the most important thing”.  Other examples are “You must be so proud that you aced that test.  You’ve worked so hard”, “you are such a good friend to Johnny, helping him clean up his room.”

The second activity is “Thought Lie Detector”.  This is especially helpful if your child tends to be a “worry wart”.  People have hundreds of thoughts going through their head each day.  A lot of them are not as positive as we like.  When a negative thought keeps recurring or takes hold in your mind, it tends to become a reality for you.  We need to teach our children to catch such unhelpful thoughts.  These thoughts sometimes contain the word “should”, such as “I shouldn’t say that in class, now everybody would think I’m a dork”, “I should’ve done better in that test, now I will never get into a good college.”  Or you can teach your child to catch the feelings that comes with the thought, such as the fear, the anxiety, the lump in her throat.  When your child is bothered by an unfounded negative thought about herself or about a situation, ask her “is this thought really true?”  If the answer is “yes,” then ask the next question, “if so, how do you know for sure?”  Ask her to find the evidence that support this negative thought.  When she understands that that negative thought was unfounded, then you can ask “what is a truer thought?”  Help her to find the evidence supporting the new, more accurate thought. 

There are more useful and fun activities in the book.  They go from pregnancy all the way to 18 years old and beyond.  In fact, some of the activities that she created can be used by adults.  It’s like the Chinese saying, “教學相長”, meaning, teaching other people will help yourself learn more.