Chores and Allowance – Part I

Children all have wants and needs.  While parents can meet most of their children’s needs, it’s challenging and sometimes not advisable to meet all their wants.  That’s where allowance comes in.  The first time I started thinking about allowance was when my older daughter was 4 years old.  Even though she never threw a tamper tantrum over a toy when we were shopping in the store, I could see how much she wanted this sparkling object or that little trinket.  We provide for our children with everything they need but sometimes they want something extra, just for fun, like us adults.  Right around that time, a book came to my attention.  It’s called, “Money doesn’t Grow on Trees” by Neale S. Godfrey.  She has lots of good ideas on teaching children money concepts, from working for pay, budgeting, banking to investment.  Due to the young age of my children at the time, I only adopted her “working for pay” approach and the “4-jar budget system”.   

 

Before I explain the procedure for “working for pay”, I want to stress that there are things that children need to do without being paid.  They are called “Citizen of the Household Chores” in the book.  Such chores are like picking up toys, putting away their belongings, doing their homework, and studying for tests.  I consider them as their personal responsibilities.  The same goes with washing the dishes or wiping the countertop if they want to bake or cook something in the kitchen, because they are expected to tidy up a space after they use it.  The only jobs that they get paid to do are the recurrent chores that they do for the whole family, such as washing dishes or wiping tables after dinner, taking out garbage, or mopping the floor.

 

My older daughter’s first job was to check all the trashcans around the house, tie it up if it is full, bring the tied up bag to the door and put a clean bag in the can.  I showed her what it meant to be a filled bag and how to place a new bag in the trashcan (she already knew how to tie up the plastic bags).  When she got older and my younger daughter needed a job, I taught her how to wash dishes and she got a little raise to wash dinner dishes 5 nights a week.  My younger one worked the trashcan duty for a while but she kept complaining about the job and often waited until the trash came tumbling out of the trashcan.  Finally, we both couldn’t take it anymore and then she switched to wiping tables as well as the stove top 5 nights per week.

 

Occasionally, we will give them some opportunities to earn extra money if they ask for it.  We will let them know what the work entails and the amount of money they will get beforehand.  They can decide whether to take it or not.  I will talk about the payday and the “4-jar budget system” in my next blog.

Wish List

The holiday season is approaching.  My girls used to feel deprived during this time of the year.  The reason is that after the holiday break, all their friends would talk about what they got for Christmas while they had nothing to show for.  Some people might think that we are unkind by not celebrating their birthdays or Christmas with presents.  Yet, we don’t want them to take everything for granted.  When gift giving becomes a routine, some children don’t appreciate what they get and might feel resentment when they don’t get what they want.  On the other hand, if they put some efforts into getting what they want, they not only appreciate what they have, they also become more judicious in selecting what they want.  With that in mind, here is what we did to make our children feel less deprived….

Two years ago, we had a family meeting.  We asked them to write down a list of 5 things that they really want and the estimated cost for those items.  Then, as a family, we brainstormed on ways we could save money so they could purchase the things on their wish list.  For example, we spent about $10 per week on unhealthy snacks and a two-night vacation might cost us $300, etc.  By not going on vacation during Thanksgiving break and not buying any snacks for a month, we could save $340 for their wish list.  In order to encourage them to keep on saving, we used a graph chart to tally the money we’ve saved each week.  After we saved up enough money for the first items on their lists, which were pillow pets, we went to the mall and had them choose the ones they wanted.  In a few months, not only did we buy the top 3 items on their list (the most expensive one being the Nintendo DS), but we also got rid of the habit of eating some unhealthy snacks! 

This year, we asked them if they want to go on vacation during Christmas break or use the money to buy what they want.  Guess what they chose?  The cash!  What comes next is planning, researching, and budgeting.  I would like to say that both girls decided to save some of their money but that would be lying.  Due to the differences in age and personality, one of them plans to spend all her money while the other insists on saving more than half of her share.  One of them even put her money with daddy’s to buy something more expensive but can be used by both of them.  I’m okay with either way because what matters is the learning experiences not the end result, like everything else in life!

Reward or Bribery?

One day at the swimming pool, I got to talk to one of the parents whose child was in Dana’s swim class.  She complimented how focused and motivated Dana was in swim lesson.  Then she said that she was pushing her son to pass the level testing.  She said that in response, he asked her “are you going to give me something if I pass the test?”  This reminds me what happened when Dana took piano lesson….

 

Dana has been quite in tune with music melody and rhythm.  When she was 6 years old, I signed her up for keyboard/piano lesson at the community center.  When it was time for her to practice, it was a torture for both of us.  She didn’t want to practice (for 10 minutes) and I didn’t have the patience for it.  So I told her, “If you don’t want to practice, let’s finish these 8 sessions that I paid for, then you can quit.”  At the end of the 8 sessions, she quitted happily and I never mentioned it again.  A year later, she came to me and said, “Mom, I really want to learn how to draw like a real artist.”  I signed her up at an art studio and she’s been there since.  She practices sketching and color blending at home without me asking her to.  Every time I picked her up from the art class, she’s as happy as can be.  On the other hand, Kate, our 7-year-old, has been taking piano lesson for over a year now.  From this, my husband and I learned that if our girls are interested in something, they will practice on their own without being forced.  This has since become our philosophy regarding extracurricular activities: if our child is interested in learning something, we will support her but she needs to do her part.  Otherwise, we can save the money (and the nagging) for something else.

 

When the girls were young, I did use the reward and sticker system for potty training and brushing teeth.  I understood the perils of a reward system.  It has the disadvantage of getting children accustomed to external incentives and lose internal satisfaction for accomplish an achievement.  That’s why we used it sporadically and never made it a routine in our life.  When the girls reached school age, we completely abandoned the reward system and use limited choices and natural consequences instead.

Consuming or Creating

Before I had kids, I used to teach young children with special needs.  My job was to use different toys (home made or store bought) to teach them different cognitive concepts.  When I was in graduate school, I even wrote an article on how a specific toy teaches multiple concepts/skills to children.  Therefore, after I have children, I thought about toys a lot, especially when they were young.  At that time, I often felt that if I buy that toy, it would teach them this or they could play with it so I can have a little break.

One day, when Dana was 2, she was playing with the paper doll Maisy and the book that comes with it.  She wished that she could have all the Maisy’s pals (Tallulah, Cyril) to play with.  My mom and I then set to work, drawing, cutting, and making the moving hands and feet for the characters.  Dana was in charge of coloring.  We made those two characters and several of their outfits.  They were as good as store bought ones (if the store actually sells them) and we all had a great time.

This year, when Halloween came, the girls made their own costumes.  Dana and her best friend used garbage bags and duck tape to make dresses while Kate used my old cape, cardboard, and face paint to dress up as the grim reaper.  When they were younger, they also dressed up as Belle (as in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast) and Gypsy with the clothes and materials they found at home.  All these experiences not only contribute their sense of achievement and fuel their creativity, they also save us money and reduce waste in the long run.

More than saying I love you—part 2

Last week I reviewed the book, “More than saying I love you” by Andrea Goodman Weiner.  It’s a book about how to teach your child self-love.  I’ve explained what self-love is and why it’s important to teach your child (and yourself, too) that.  This week, I’m going to share two of the activities provided in the book.

The first one is called “Youer than You” statements.  It’s an alternative way to praise and/or provide feedback to your child.  Young children see the world through their parents’ eyes.  They take in the parents’ comments/opinions as their own and use that to figure out who they are.  We often hear parents or teachers say “I like how you draw that picture”, “I like how you help Johnny pick up all his toys” or “I’m so proud of you, getting an A in the test”.  This kind of statements puts the emphases on the adult who says it and encourages the child to seek outside approval from the authority.  By using “you” statement, you will put the verbal verification back to the child.  For example, when your child asks if you like her painting (My girls used to ask me this question about once a week), instead of saying, “I like it”, you can ask her “do YOU like it?”  After she says “yes”, you can say, “Great, because YOU liking it is the most important thing”.  Other examples are “You must be so proud that you aced that test.  You’ve worked so hard”, “you are such a good friend to Johnny, helping him clean up his room.”

The second activity is “Thought Lie Detector”.  This is especially helpful if your child tends to be a “worry wart”.  People have hundreds of thoughts going through their head each day.  A lot of them are not as positive as we like.  When a negative thought keeps recurring or takes hold in your mind, it tends to become a reality for you.  We need to teach our children to catch such unhelpful thoughts.  These thoughts sometimes contain the word “should”, such as “I shouldn’t say that in class, now everybody would think I’m a dork”, “I should’ve done better in that test, now I will never get into a good college.”  Or you can teach your child to catch the feelings that comes with the thought, such as the fear, the anxiety, the lump in her throat.  When your child is bothered by an unfounded negative thought about herself or about a situation, ask her “is this thought really true?”  If the answer is “yes,” then ask the next question, “if so, how do you know for sure?”  Ask her to find the evidence that support this negative thought.  When she understands that that negative thought was unfounded, then you can ask “what is a truer thought?”  Help her to find the evidence supporting the new, more accurate thought. 

There are more useful and fun activities in the book.  They go from pregnancy all the way to 18 years old and beyond.  In fact, some of the activities that she created can be used by adults.  It’s like the Chinese saying, “教學相長”, meaning, teaching other people will help yourself learn more.

More than saying I love you—Part 1

Over the summer, I read several interesting books, some fictions, others self-help.  There’s one book I’d like to recommend to all parents.  That is “More than saying I love you: 4 powerful steps that help children love themselves” by Andrea Goodman Weiner.  It’s a short book talking about the importance of self-love and how parents can help their children achieve that.  There is a review of every chapter in a bullet point format so you can refresh your memory after you finish a chapter.  She also provides easy, practical, and fun activities for parents to do with their children.

But, what is self-love and why do we need it?  Self-love is the acceptance and understanding of one’s own attributes and faults at the current moment.  It’s a non judgmental way of looking at yourself, recognizing and accepting all your goods and bads.  It’s happening right at this moment, not sometime later.  There is no “when I get straight A this year, I will be loved”.  It’s more like “I know math is hard for me right now but I’m pretty good with social studies.  I could spend a little more time on math to make it better.”  Self-love is not being self-centered or teaching children have a sense of entitlement.  It’s not about teaching children to think that they are better than others and deserve special treatment from other people.  Self-love is to treat yourself with loving kindness and with that, to treat other people with the same loving kindness, like what Confucius said, “Do unto others what you want done unto you.”

A person with self-love is a person with confidence and kindness.  You take real stock of yourself, not an over critical one or an exaggerated estimate of your ability.  When you can do that, you won’t spend time on beating yourself up or complaining why others don’t see your potential.  Instead, you can enjoy your life and work on things that you need to work on.  This is the greatest gift you can give to your child.  It will shield her from the unwanted judgment and self-doubt.  It will give her the inner strength that she can draw on for the rest of her life.  It will give her the ability to love others.  In the next blog post, I will share two of the fun activities from this book.

Got Milk?

A couple of years ago, my daughter’s Chinese teacher forwarded a video made by TzuChi to all the parents, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=681454phu6A  It was a doctor talking about the problems caused by cow’s milk.  That was the turning point of my family’s life.

My daughters never like the taste of cow’s milk, especially whole milk.  I only ask them to drink a cup of soymilk in the morning and that’s that (we switched to almond milk now).  Yet, it becomes a point of argument with our pediatrician during our annual check up.  It always went like this,

Dr.: “how many cups of milk does Dana/Kate drink?”

I: “One cup of soy milk in the morning.”

Dr.: “That’s not enough calcium for their bones.  They need to drink more milk.”

I: “We eat lots of green vegetables, tofu and bean curds.”

Dr.: “Yeah, but they need more milk to make their bone stronger.”

Eventually, I cracked under the pressure and I decided to ask my kids to drink more milk.  Since soymilk is kind of expensive, I tried cow’s milk.  To get them to like cow’s milk, I put chocolate syrup in there so they can drink chocolate milk.  That became part of our dinner routine for a few months.  My older daughter started to gain weight and her nose is stuffed up.  She also has so much nasal discharge that I was wondering if the allergy season has extended for her.

Then I watched that video.  I was also reading The China Study by Dr. T. Colin Campbell at the time.  I was appalled by the information I saw.  I stopped the nightly chocolate milk and cut dairy off our diet (I was drinking cow’s milk every other day and ate one slice of cheese every day for breakfast).  In a month, I saw some changes in my daughters and myself.  Gone were the phlegm, the stuffed nose, and my younger daughter’s cough.  I used to have quite a few discharges in my eyes.  Those are gone, too.  I was amazed at the changes.

We still eat dairy products sometimes, mostly in a restaurant.  My girls love pizza and ice cream.  I don’t want to deprive them those occasional treats.  Yet, I stopped buying cow’s milk and cheese in any form.  I still notice the effects of dairy every time we eat out and have food that’s made of cheese or milk, though.