Sibling with less rivalry

Growing up in Taiwan, I’m aware of the differentiated treatments received by the elder and younger siblings in Chinese families.  Parents are usually quite strict with the oldest sibling, hoping to set an example of “good behaviors” for the younger ones.  I cringe whenever I hear adult saying things like “Let him/her (younger sibling) have it now, he is younger than you,” “you are older, you should let her… (do it, have it, or whatever).  After we decided to have children, I told my husband that I would never do that to my oldest child.  Not only would that make the older child resent his/her parents and siblings, but also teach the younger sibling to be manipulative.  Confucius said that “You don’t need to worry about not having enough but you need to worry about not fair”.  If you want “siblings without rivalry”, first you have to treat them fairly.

Yet, fairness doesn’t mean everyone gets the same but everyone gets what s/he needs.  At first, when I bought something for one child out of necessity (like when Dana outgrew her shirt while Kate could still use big sister’s hand me down), I felt a little uncomfortable about not buying anything for the other.  Yet, I didn’t want to be wasteful and make random purchases just for the sake of being fair.  Therefore, I tried to find practical things that the other child needed, such as underwear (you can’t really share that!) and they both got something they needed.  As they grew older, especially when Dana started having homework and she sometimes envied Kate for not having any, I taught them that fairness doesn’t mean everyone gets the same but everyone gets what they need.  This concept works well, too, in an emergency, when one child needs some “one on one” attention right away but you don’t have time to do that with all of your children on the same day.

Eleven years later today, I can say that my two daughters like and interact with each other peacefully most of the time.  We’ve tried to treat them fairly and not to compare them against each other.  Here is what we had done or are still doing to facilitate their amicable relationship,

(1) Sharing—Even though we are not minimalist, we tried not to buy more than we need.  Thus, there are plenty of chances that the girls have to share.  When Kate was younger and not able to express herself well, if there are conflicts with sharing a toy, I would step in and said, “I see that both of you want to play with this but we only have one.  What can we do to solve this problem?”  By asking for solutions, rather than making one child gives in, Dana often suggested taking turns with Kate and let Kate have the first turn.  At that time, they hadn’t had a good grasp of time concept.  In order to let both of them feel that the other person’s turn would soon be over and they are not waiting indefinitely, I either stay there counting with them (e.g. after we count to 50 then it’s another person’s turn) or use a timer.  As they get older, sharing and finding a fair solution have become a routine and I rarely need to get involved in their conflicts regarding sharing.

(2) Conflict resolution—I had heard some stories where the younger sibling used crying to get adult’s attention and get older sibling in trouble.  It’s our innate reaction when hearing a young child’s cry, we rush to conclusion that the older child must have done something wrong.  Even the older child could feel “the blame” coming before her parent speaks.  That’s what Dana tells me from time to time and why I have repeatedly reassured her through my actions.  Whenever Kate cries, I would use my least accusing tone to ask what happened.  I let them know that I want to understand and see if I could help the situation.  My focus is on what and how to solve a problem, not who to blame.

(3) Talking to your child in private during conflict resolution—There are times when your children make accusations against each other and you would want to talk to them in private.  I would make time to talk to each child behind closed door so they feel safe to express their opinions and observations freely.  Human beings have the defense mechanism to protect themselves by making excuses and blaming others if their mistakes are being pointed out in public.  When talking in private and given time and space to reflect what they have done, they might feel safe enough to reconsider their actions and maybe even admit their mistake.  After hearing their side of story, I usually gently ask some questions like, “how would you feel if she treated you like that”, “do you think you are being fair to her” if I feel there’s a need to request kindness or respect toward their sibling.

(4) The eldest child is still a child—It’s so easy for parents to ask their first born to be a babysitter for the younger siblings, especially if the first born is a responsible and caring girl.  We need to respect the older child’s need to be with her friends or by herself.  An older sibling, especially a responsible older sister can be a really helpful babysitter for a parent.  Yet, it’s also a burden for this big sister.  Understanding Dana’s needs of being a child, I always tell Kate that when at school, Dana has the choice of asking her to leave and just spending time with her friends.  The same goes to having time alone by herself at home.  Even though they still share a room at home, if Dana wants to stay in the room by herself, Kate needs to respect that and vice versa.